"Living my life in a beautiful world"
Hudis was only 16 years old when she was diagnosed with stage IV colon cancer. She fought for 22 months until just a week shy of her 18th birthday.
Hudis kept her spirits up throughout her illness, forcing our family to float on clouds of hope with her. She wore t-shirts that said things like "secretly hoping chemo gives me superpowers," played electric guitar in her hospital room, made everyone around her laugh and dance and sing, and believe that she would get better.
She was so young... always my little baby sister... and yet she managed to outgrow me in every way.
We have hundreds of photos of Hudis growing up too fast in the pediatric oncology ward. But this one, this one, is special. This was the day she had a private photo shoot. She got dressed, had her makeup done, wore a cute hat on top of her bald head because she refused to wear a wig, and went down to the lobby of Robert Wood Johnson to pose. My god did she pose... with grace and beauty and growth, she showed us how she wanted to be remembered.
It's been nearly 5 years since she died. I've thought of her achingly a million times. I've thought of her sick and hurting and trying so hard to live, but always, I come back to this image.
My family has kept this image close. It's on every phone, Facebook profile, and memorial graphic we create. But I needed more. So I had it painted by Paint Your Life and trusted their amazing artist to paint my sister as the vibrant teenager she was.
Seeing the finished painting made me breathless. Her eyes shine out from the canvas sparkling with joy, her hands reflecting off the top of the piano, the lights in the hospital lobby casting the shadows she left behind; her head is thrown back as she opens her mouth, and I swear I can almost hear her laughing.
Now, Hudis is displayed the way I know she wanted to be seen. I look at her every day and I remember how she floated on clouds of hope, and I am comforted.
The flowers bloom in a garden oh so beautiful
The sky is blue with one neatly shaped white cloud
Everything just seems to be so perfect
In a world where so much can go so wrong
And I've been there on the days when weeds were growing
With a gray sky threatening to storm
When nothing’s going right it’s just not working
The world has proved itself to be so cruel
And I dreamt
About the day
When all of it will end
And I spent
All my time
Hoping it would come very soon
And I woke up one day
and I realized that its all in me
That all of the things that I wish would go away
Are staying
And it's up to me
To show them it won't affect me
I still dream
About the day
When all of it will end
And I spend
All my time
Hoping it would come very soon
But I'm living my life
in a beautiful world
And I can enjoy every day
And I will
Because it's up to me
To show them it won't affect me
